Anxiety is not exaggerating. Depression is not having a bad day. PTSD is not a thing to get over with. None of them is a curse. They all are reality, each of them is an illness. Not a sore throat kind, a cancer kind - each of them eats You alive if You can even call this life.
The difference between mental diseases and the ones diagnosed at health centre clinics is that You usually don’t recover. You don’t get over them. You learn to accept what You suffer from. You learn to be numb about it.
I have been diagnosed for 3 years with anxiety disorder, depression and post traumatic disorder - none of which were my choice, none of which I could stop. All of which I developed because of the surroundings I lived in, because of the things I was made to do when being a child, because of the things which the society made me feel. As a child I wasn’t able to fight it all and whenever I tried I was harmmed twice as badly. Things I was told, things I was shown, things I was pushed to cope with - it took the world 16 years to break me, it will take me the rest of my life to accept that.
I cannot explain how it started, noone really can.
Anxiety disorder is often connected to depression, in my case it was not. Anxiety, panic attacks - it is the over-suffered stress factor in Your life. You feel unsure of what is happening, You feel confused, You feel dizzy and all of a sudden an unexplicable fear hits You, within minutes You loose control over Your body, You feel like You are about to cry, You feel like You are about to stop breathing, You feel like You are about to pass out - You feel as if You were dying and You cannot stop it, You have to go with it. There are certain triggers to anxiety, each is very individual but the most common one is continuous stress. Stress which evolves into the most frightening thing You have to face. My anxiety began with such stress, it was soon accompanied by deprivation of sleep - I used to stay awake for over 70 hours with no sleep which were filled with anxiety attacks and after such 3 to 4 days I would pass out.
It did not take long for me to start selfharm - yes I did hurt myself for over 2 years, I wanted the anxiety to ease, even for just a second, I was just trying to be able to exist.
With that came depression, no sleep, being numb, laying in bed and doing nothing or doing everything and smiling as wide as I only could.
PTSD is the thing which has been explained to me lately - there were 3 episodes in my life which traumatised me to an extend I get paralyzed when I hear or see certain things - after that comes the worst sort of panin attacks I suffer from.
I lived in a world in which mental ilnesses were stigmatized, people were called 'freaks', were made fun of, were bullied. I lived in a world in which feeling worse than others was almost required, You were to care about others, forget youself. I was to fulfill people’s expectations if not I was punished. I was told I was weak, I couldn’t do anything well, I was a terrible person - minutes after that I heard how lovely and kind I was, how ambitious, how basically angel-like I was. Guess, which was said when different people were around to listen, not just me. Ironically everyone I knew perceived me as a joyful girl, with amazing abilities, great future perspective. I was known for being the perfect student. I was known for being the perfect human being. I was misreable. I was unhappy. I was alone. It took me years to eventually meet people who I could trust, who would see the real me, who would be there no matter what.
It all changed when I was 15 - my Grandma died unexpectadly, within 11 days since being diagnosed. To me, She was my second Mum, I broke into million pieces inside. Outside nothing apparently changed - untill 6 months passed. I was ‘the strong’ one, I was ‘the responsible’ one. I was ‘the problem solving’ child. I was a child, a child who at 15 saw her Grandmother die in front of her, who had to witness her own Mother crying while her 67 year old Mother died because of cancer. I stopped being a child right then.
In next half a year my anxiety appeared, in next 4 months I started self harming. In next month I started High School. I passed my Junior High School as one of the best, I finished it as one of the lost ones, broken ones.
In my first year of HS I asked for help, I received it, I have undergone a behavioral therapy which till today is showing me how to cope with who I am. In the second year of HS everything got worse. Despite most genuine Friends I have, most supportive Mum, I was bullied by a teacher, because of her I took the razor back into my hand after over 4 months of not self harming. I didn’t pass the year. I got depressed, I gained weight, till one day I was on the verge, I was done. I knew I had only 2 choices - end it all or fight for myself. I chose to fight. I decided to start home schooling, I changed my main subjects, I chose a path to my own health - but this time allowing myself to feel whatever the day brings and just find the right focus point.
It all changed when I was 15 - my Grandma died unexpectadly, within 11 days since being diagnosed. To me, She was my second Mum, I broke into million pieces inside. Outside nothing apparently changed - untill 6 months passed. I was ‘the strong’ one, I was ‘the responsible’ one. I was ‘the problem solving’ child. I was a child, a child who at 15 saw her Grandmother die in front of her, who had to witness her own Mother crying while her 67 year old Mother died because of cancer. I stopped being a child right then.
In next half a year my anxiety appeared, in next 4 months I started self harming. In next month I started High School. I passed my Junior High School as one of the best, I finished it as one of the lost ones, broken ones.
In my first year of HS I asked for help, I received it, I have undergone a behavioral therapy which till today is showing me how to cope with who I am. In the second year of HS everything got worse. Despite most genuine Friends I have, most supportive Mum, I was bullied by a teacher, because of her I took the razor back into my hand after over 4 months of not self harming. I didn’t pass the year. I got depressed, I gained weight, till one day I was on the verge, I was done. I knew I had only 2 choices - end it all or fight for myself. I chose to fight. I decided to start home schooling, I changed my main subjects, I chose a path to my own health - but this time allowing myself to feel whatever the day brings and just find the right focus point.
On May 14th, 2014 I threw the knife I used to self harm to the sea, for next 17 months I have not cut myself. Later on I stumbled. But I'm back on track, fighting not to bend again. I do think about it almost every single day, but I choose not to do it again. I got engaged in photography, seeking new perspectives. I make sure I keep in touch with my closest Friends - I may not reply for days but I do not allow either them or myself to feel like we need to prentend about what is happening to us. I take care after my health, I work out, I eat better. I accept who I am, what happened to me. I forgive people who hurt me, I just choose not to have them in my life anymore.
I learn every day who I am and how to keep going even if everything seems to be going in the wrong direction - I accept it.
If I can give You any word of advice it would be that: It is what people do to each other, they hurt one another, and You can either fight them or fight for yourself - You need to do what You want, not what anyone expects or desires You to, because the only thing which You must do in Your life is to die.
For last three years I have been learning how to fight for myslef, how not to let others shred me to pieces anymore - saying 'others' I mean 'everyone' - my family, my friends, my teachers, every single person I come across. As the world we live in does not tolerate being different, does not tolerate You saying 'no’, but only until You make one thing clear - it is only You who matters. Why? Because You are the only person who can help yourself keep going as well as make yourself stop living. You are the force which makes You go further, You are the force which makes You believe they are all wrong. Why? Because no matter how many times they would bring You down, no matter how many times they would try and say how worthless You are, it is ONLY YOU who despite all of that is still here. YOU ARE amazing, YOU ARE unique, YOU ARE EVERYTHING YOU BELIEVE. Despite everyone telling You how many things are wrong with You, it is You who faced all of that assault, all of that negativity and YOU ARE STILL GOING. This is real strength, this is the real You.
For last three years I have been learning how to fight for myslef, how not to let others shred me to pieces anymore - saying 'others' I mean 'everyone' - my family, my friends, my teachers, every single person I come across. As the world we live in does not tolerate being different, does not tolerate You saying 'no’, but only until You make one thing clear - it is only You who matters. Why? Because You are the only person who can help yourself keep going as well as make yourself stop living. You are the force which makes You go further, You are the force which makes You believe they are all wrong. Why? Because no matter how many times they would bring You down, no matter how many times they would try and say how worthless You are, it is ONLY YOU who despite all of that is still here. YOU ARE amazing, YOU ARE unique, YOU ARE EVERYTHING YOU BELIEVE. Despite everyone telling You how many things are wrong with You, it is You who faced all of that assault, all of that negativity and YOU ARE STILL GOING. This is real strength, this is the real You.
I love You no matter what.
Ala
